Cocoon

It is so funny how something so small can make you start dancing again...and I danced...sang...took a candlelight bubblebath. I sat and edited some of my poetry, turned the lights down, listened to country music all night....something I hadn't really done since high school. I had cut that part of me of since then. I tried to escape Provo completely, but it's where I spent my teenage years and some of my married ones. My kids were born there. I had traveled from one end to the other and both sides. I finally admitted to myself that I was homesick. It crept up when I went back with my family to my ex-mother-in-laws funeral in 2002. On the drive home, I cried when I hit the Utah county line.

I laughed long and hard at that! I think I laughed a lot more at myself and everything else. It felt good.

The last few months have been the most hellish I have ever had in my life. I seriously thought of suicide a couple of times. I didn't do it, of course or I wouldn't be writing this. I sort of felt like I went sky diving with my eyes closed and they pushed me out of the plane without telling me. The parachute never opened and I hit the dirt....hard. Isn't it great that God doesn't answer al of our prayers?!

I started looking at blue sky the last few weeks. The snow was beautiful. The leaves are gorgeous. I started listening to music, playing with my co-workers and my kids, laughing at jokes.

WOW! I am still alive and feeling things. The cocoon started opening...very, very slowly. Last night, I stepped out and let my wings dry. I started to fly again...no parachute needed, because the wings were attached. Had been attached all along. Amazing how you can lose track of those things when you are in pain. I realise that I have been given a very important gift...a chance to start over again. What a wonderfult thing to be thankful for.

Catching My Breath

I have become like you

worshipping the closeness of summer's warm dark

Walking through the fields

the night songs lift from unseen birds

breaking the silence under the oaks

I wait for you

catching my breath on first sight

all midnight and moon-brightness

Minds touch

before hands or lips press

Shelter reached

pulling me to you

clutching the ebony

to leave us lovers

hidden from the

harsh realities of daybreak

Weez 1991

The Dance Begins Again

Take me dancing

trailing skirts in the wind and

whirling

twisting my body back

feet tapping

hair whipping

whispering out against my skin

and the deep blue of the night

my hands stretch out

fingers lightly caressing

a distant

tune

gypsy longing

gliding back laughing

into your arms

Weez

11/14/2009

Black Mirror

Staring back at the mirror

ready waiting

doing what I do best

It's hard to say

if this is me

or emotions talking

But there are times

I wonder why

(bother)

the wondering makes me restless

makes me crazy

Lace

ribbons

and those eyes looking back

tired of the madness

of playing

the game

That bed is so hard to sleep in

but when sleep comes

oooooooh! How It Claims You

calls you out

running in the streets

flying down the darkness

to that stranger

A sinsiter

shadow

pressing her face to the glass

Sometimes there

is no face at all

or something

looking

back

from the mirror

coming closer

Finding me looking in

and gazing out

from what is real and

no my

fantasy

Weez

1991

Visited

This time that comes

Something

somewhat haunting

from behind me

long ago

Old familiar patterns

flowing

The soul does not recognize time

It only knows what it is has seen

Weez

1995

Flash Flood

Color exploded into my eyes

when I closed them

so tight

summoning the courage

to kiss you

I could see the rain

washing color from

paper mache streamers

left over from some dance

of so long ago

bleeding down the whitewash

seeping into the chalk

flashing out a plume

of bright violet

Weez

1987

Aunt Mame, Aunt Gladys and ME

"...Sister Christian
There's so much in life
Don't you give it up
Before your time is due
It's true
It's true yeah
Motoring

Motoring....."

Night Ranger

I've always liked that song. It was funny that the other day I started hearing it again, a lot, on the radio. It got me to thinking that there was some truth in that. I'm still here...still breathing...still wanting to do so many things that I didn't get a chance to do. But I also realize that Tony hated me being sad or miserable. He sure as hell would be pissed off with me if I were just throwing it all away to lock myself away from the world.

Auntie Mame was a favorite movie of mine. My Aunt Gladys was also an inspiration all my life. She was earthy, smart, beautiful and gutsy. When I got older and after my divorce to Kelly, I swore that I was going to adopt some of her philosophy. Gladys passed away in 2003. She had survived her husband, my Uncle Gus, by some 15+ years. She grieved for him until the day she died, however, she also travelled, danced, dated, lived her life.

I could hear her voice in my head the other day and she was not too happy with me.

"Goddamn it, Sweetie! Your husband would not want you to be miserable for the rest of your life. Look at your Grandmother. Do you want to end up life her or your mother?"

I am not going to wind up alone, bitter and miserable. Yeah, it hurts. It will always hurt. But I am not going to sit here and rot like they did.

I have Chosen to Live!
Ok.....

The Blanket

Shine brightly

spreading your love in warm rays

A beautiful blanket

to wrap around

those souls too tired

battered and bruised

They have forgotting

what life is about

Take off their rags

and wrap your blanket around them

giving them strength

giving them hope

You can make the difference

making that pattern that they need

giving them the chance to shine

and pass the blanket on.

Weez 6/1989

The Weasel Report

I apologize to anybody who has already recieved this as an e-mail. This blog was also my mental health update to friends and family.


I am writing stuff again. I got so inspired with some of the books I bought at the used book sale that it made me remember a time when I was so eager to put pen to paper and just write....even if it was absolute crap!

I did buy a book this weekend on writing memoirs (uh oh!) and a writing book by E.M. Forrester (I loved Sean Connery's portrail of him!). So I started re-reading Virginia Woolf's writing book and I've been inspired. Gotta find that inspiration anywhere I can anymore. I stiffled myself for quite a while worrying about what everybody else would think...would they get angry or their feelings hurt. I know. I never used to be that sensitive about my writing. Tony mellowed me out...a lot...according to Jesse, my son! Not a bad thing. Didn't mean it to sound that way. He just balanced me...no small task, that! Jesus, I miss him so much!

I remember when I used to spend hours pouring over the works of Rossetti, Tennyson, Swinburne, Poe and Arnold Matthews while lying on the floor in a sun spot, stretched out like a cat. My favorite book "Later English Poets" has stood forelorn the last 17 years...only being picked up to be moved instead of opened. I used to pick it up or a volume of Herriot's works and pour myself a glass of Ameretto or Harvey's and relax in the evening while my ex-husband, Kelly, was at school.

The last year I was married to Kelly, I used to write poetry on crisp, autumn mornings with a glass of wine or a Irish coffee by the typewriter and just go! I decided after the divorce that turning my life into Dylan Thomas's drunken one wasn't such a hot idea.

I believe I lost my inspiration due to contentment. Now, I have it back through loss. How fucking Odd is THAT! I always did have a problem writing when I was happy. I'm backasswards! I would go weeks between journal entries...even when it was something important. Now sometimes I go only a matter of hours. Odder still, there is a certain amount of contentment where I am now. Re-acquainting myself with myself and figuring out who and what I am and where the hell I am going next with my life.

On Saturday, after the booksale (was there from 9-1 looking over every single thing at least twice!), I stopped by the grocery store. I bought a combination pizza with sausage, a bottle of green olives, salad makings, Marie's blue cheese dressing, bread, Earl Grey Tea, a generous chunk of Brie, a bottle of white wine and a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Creme. My grocery list may not sound like anything fabulous, but it was all foods I love and used to buy every so often or not at all. It was time to spoil myself...if I was going to spoil myself rotten I would have bought a box of See's (I forgot it when I was in Reno...DAMN IT!)! I knitted in front of the t.v. in my sweats and turned the front porch light off when I wanted to shut it down from the little trick or treaters (which weren't many).

Well, enough of boring you to death. Just a word to let you know I am still alive and obnoxious!

Scratchy throat, back and neck ache, and had an odd headache for the past three or four days. I can't afford to be ill, but if I am coming down with something I may as well get it over with while I still have time off I can take. Have been drinking gallons of tea and taking Echinachia and Golden Seal religiously. Of course, I have been stressed to the breaking point the last few months, so illness wouldn't be a surprise. I keep thinking I can smell chlorine bleach strongly in the frontroom and can't for the life of me figure out where it is coming from. It seems to be eminanting from the corner by the fireplace, but I don't use anything like that in the frontroom....ever. Weird.

All Hallow's was a double treat. Early in the morning before the next door neighbor boys were up with their bb guns, I snuck away for a few hours to the book sale. What a nice time I had searching through all the old and new books. There were a couple of really old volumes I purchased...Elias by Charles Lamb and a biography of P.B. Shelley. I bought a copy of "The Captive" by Proust, a 20 volume complete set of the writings Algernon Charles Swinburne (YES!), a book on wirint by Forrester, another on writing memoirs, a crockery cookbook that I had and Bones the dog ate years ago, a book of ghost stories and some paranormal romances (housewife smut) and romance stories (not Harlequin drivel...think Chocolat or Under the Tuscan Sun). I also bought numerous Yule presents which won't be discussed here.

Four people left to buy for for Yule...Jon, Laura and the Grandkids. I think I've done well. I am still debating as to whether I will put up the tree. Honestly, I just want to wake up the day after New Years and be done with it. Although I am planning on a turkey, cranberries, a pumplin pie, and wild rice for Thanksgiving this year.

All Hallow's was quiet, thankfully! The next door kids came around early and I warned them to behave as the entire neighborhood has been watching them and won't put up with any crap. They seemed to have heeded it. One of them actually wished me a Happy New Year, though I couldn't tell if he actually realised that for me it was...Pagan wise...or was being a smart ass. A little before 8 o'clock and it was all over. I went through 2 and a 1/4 bags of candy. The kids are getting fewer and fewer...although I saw fliers for parties up all over the place, being on a Saturday night. It would have been nice to have met up with the kids in Tahoe, but I really had to keep an eye on things here.

I watched four of my favorite BBC shows and called it a night after writing Tony his nightly letter.

Yesterday was unspectacular. I didn't feel well and curled up most of the day with knitting and watched a very interesting program on Death Masks. They were doing beeswax reproductions of the faces from the life and death masks of historical and famous people. They would then digitally enhancing the faces so that they had their eyes open, blinked, and smiled. Lincoln and Washington's faces were very interesting. Not what I would have expected or what we have seen in photos or paintings. Even the president's then had to have their publicity shots!

I kept track of the football scores and made a list of who I will draft in tonight's draft.

Other than that, it was a peaceful weekend.