Monday, August 31, 2009

Thank You, My Love

This photo was taken on Friday, August 28, 2009 around 10 p.m. pst, in my father-in-law's backyard in Fresno, CA.. My son, Jon took the photo for no real apparent reason. This is what he captured. It is not touched up.

I had lost a child in 1994, when I was almost 3 months pregnant. I had wanted that baby so badly. My husband didn't want anymore children. When I lost the baby it was a sore spot, as he maintained it was for the best. It hurt, but I forgave him in my heart for his feeling that way, although I never really got over it. It would naw on me a times, secretly driving me to tears. I deliberately made myself not think of it...blocking it out. I had almost forgotten....almost.

My son, Jon, daughter-in-law Virginia, daughter-in-law's mother, and two of his best friends (one of which was our best man) all saw Tony in the photo. Virginia was the one that said, "he looks like he is holding a baby in his arms." I was stunned. No one knew the story until then. I started to cry because I saw what they were looking at and realized he was telling me not to worry or let it hurt anymore...he has the baby and they are ok.
He has our baby.
Thank you Tony, I can never tell you exactly how much that means to me or how it has given me peace. I hope you can feel what is in my heart and mind. I hope you know how very much both of you mean to me and how very, very much I love you. I look forward to seeing both of you someday.


I am not feeling social...nor charitable...nor tolerant right now. I do not want to answer questions, talk about IT, or go to work. I don't want to sleep all day...although rest is what I am craving....I want to be alone but with someone at the same time who leaves me alone...knowing someone is in the house is enough.

Stretching myself out on the stone floor, I can feel the cool, uneven surface of the worn rock. Hundreds of feet have walked it smooth. I want to just lie here embracing this sanctuary in my mind, loving the solice and peace it offers.

Leave me to my grieving, for you can do nothing for me. No word or deed will stop the pain that tears at me. I pray for release that won't come right now when I want it. It eludes me, dancing around me as a shadow in the darkness...reaching out and drawing back in a ceaselessly taunting game. I live for seconds at a time when the agony subsides for just that brief span and then floods back in waves.

Blood coarses...bleeding act of mercy and finality...virtually painless for you...and I am envious of your new freedom! I long for it like I longed for you in those nights to come to my lover. I long for you again...aching with the knowing you will steal up on me and make me catch my breath...fingers brushing my skin....holding me in your arms...kissing me and claiming me...smiling like the dawn breaking...telling me to come away.

But until then...I wait with the longing...the anticipation for my lover to come in the night.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Letter to A Dead Boss

Dear Karin...

For your information. I never got tired of my husband nor bored with him!

He is gone

and you

have long, since given up the ghost.

...out of the two of you...

...death BECOMES You!

Rot in the hell of your own making!

Your Former Employee

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Lady in the Moon

Created this past April. Seed beads, mirror, ceramic, and focal point beads.

Exiled into Memory

bones and beads
standing stones
are sentries of the passing
as the sand and rain
wash the slates clean
the river floods
thunder throws me back
to center
driving me down into the cave
that lies within me
where I silently leave offerings
to the Old Ones and Ancestors
and those of future days
drawing memories
on the walls
of my mind