The tears start, seemingly out of nowhere...for no real reason. I find them streaming down my face unexpectedly...sometimes without warning. I have even caught myself crying when I didn't realize I was. I'm not used to this.

I have put up Halloween decorations..albeit more modestly than ususal. The candy is waiting in the cupboard. The red lightbulb has been screwed in at the front porch lamp. The only thing missing is dressing up to scare the kids. I won't do that this year. Every year, Tony and I would figure out what he was going to do for Halloween. Wearing masks was one of his favorite things.

He got such a kick out of the tiny trick or treaters. He really had a soft spot for the little ones, although he would deny it. Snot goblins, rug rats, breeder monkies....that's the usual title for somebody else's kid(s) in the grocery store or elsewhere. Occasionally he would point out a truly cute kid and usually get them into trouble by getting them to copy his silly faces while we were waiting in line.

It's been hard gearing up for this. I spent this last weekend alone and didn't do any artwork, which I had longed all week to do as a release. I purged and organized. I folded some of Tony's clothes and tucked them neatly away in the armoire.

It will be a different experience this year. Hopefully next year will be easier.