Grieving

I am not feeling social...nor charitable...nor tolerant right now. I do not want to answer questions, talk about IT, or go to work. I don't want to sleep all day...although rest is what I am craving....I want to be alone but with someone at the same time who leaves me alone...knowing someone is in the house is enough.

Stretching myself out on the stone floor, I can feel the cool, uneven surface of the worn rock. Hundreds of feet have walked it smooth. I want to just lie here embracing this sanctuary in my mind, loving the solice and peace it offers.

Leave me to my grieving, for you can do nothing for me. No word or deed will stop the pain that tears at me. I pray for release that won't come right now when I want it. It eludes me, dancing around me as a shadow in the darkness...reaching out and drawing back in a ceaselessly taunting game. I live for seconds at a time when the agony subsides for just that brief span and then floods back in waves.

Blood coarses...bleeding out...an act of mercy and finality...virtually painless for you...and I am envious of your new freedom! I long for it like I longed for you in those nights to come to my door...my lover. I long for you again...aching with the knowing you will steal up on me and make me catch my breath...fingers brushing my skin....holding me in your arms...kissing me and claiming me...smiling like the dawn breaking...telling me to come away.

But until then...I wait with the longing...the anticipation for my lover to come in the night.

Letter to A Dead Boss

Dear Karin...

For your information. I never got tired of my husband nor bored with him!

He is gone

and you

have long, since given up the ghost.

...out of the two of you...

...death BECOMES You!

Rot in the hell of your own making!

Your Former Employee

Lady in the Moon

Created this past April. Seed beads, mirror, ceramic, and focal point beads.

Exiled into Memory

bones and beads

standing stones

are sentries of the passing

as the sand and rain

wash the slates clean

the river floods

thunder throws me back

to center

deeply

driving me down into the cave

that lies within me

where I silently leave offerings

to the Old Ones and Ancestors

and those of future days

drawing memories

on the walls

of my mind

For My Husband On His Death

and so I
dance alone
again
waltzing to the sound
the faint melody
of your breath
the voice in my head
that says
it's ok darling
but here
in the quiet night
the darkness
no longer
a stranger
I peel off my body
slipping out
circling over
waiting for your soul
spiraling
downward
to hold out
the unseen hand
and bring me home

Out My Back Door

And so the weekend is coming to a close. I have been busy with my e-store trying to fgure out everything I want to post on it. This afternoon we finally got outside and drove out to the desert to look for Wonderstone. We found quite a nice lot that I can put in the tumbler.

Wonderstone is Rhyolite. I hadn't known a lot about the magickal properties of the stone until I did a little homework and had to laugh a little at myself when I read it. Apparently, Rhyolite is a volcanic stone. It does contain a lot of quartz. The Wonderstone here is banded, and highly valued for it's red, brown, deep blue and green "Bullseye" patterns.

The magickal properties associated with Wonderstone deal with making your goals and dreams in life a reality. It helps one to go through the changes necessary, in a prudent manner, to achieve those goals. It is a meditation stone that helps one to remember why we are here, helps to strengthen the mental facilities, and also helps us to resolve past issues. I read also that it represents change, creativity, variety, progress, insight and self-realization. All things I have going through...and I have about 600 pounds of the stuff in my backyard...near our bedroom window. Hmmmmm....coincidence?! I think not.

Since my last blog, I have been working harder on my bead murals, my creativity is going through the roof, I have been working in the backyard to get it cleared and working on myself. The physical side of me is a whole different subject right now. (To be Continued Later)

I also have been learning to boost my energy using psychic exercises. They are designed to help me "fed" my lack of of energy that I just don't seem to be able to create on my own anymore. It's working and I find that fi I don't do them every couple of weeks or so, I am practically dragging myself around...napping during the day...and generally feeling really crappy. My thanks to Michelle Belanger for herlp in this matter. Bright Blessings to you Sister!

Nothing is handed to you...nothing is free. We have to learn to help ourselves to live the lives we wish for. It isn't granted to us, and we have to work hard for it. Many people are learning the old values now the hard way. Some of us a relearning them. It is definitely a time of radical change and introspection. It will be very interesting to see what we do with this situation. Very ineresting, indeed.

Whoa! That was heavy...must be the Wonderstone. Hey....it works!

Time Passages Present

It's been awhile since I ranted on here. The hacker has been caught and life is returning to a dull rumble once again. That is really nice.

I've been looking at connections to things. I've been thinking of how connected I am to the outdoors and how good I feel after a day of digging for rocks or just walking in the desert. It is a resting place for me; a refuge. I can dig for rocks until I am sunburned and not care how much time I'm out there or that the find might be small. It's better than a day at the office and much more fulfilling.

Getting the sand and clay under my nails and smearing it accidentally across my face, I realize how close I am to the sand and the stone and rocks. I sometimes lay down on the ground I've been mining and feel the cool moisture seep up into my jeans. Looking this close, I see things I would miss from even a foot or two away. So many patterns and re-creations of just bigger patterns....or is it that they begin small and expand out? Bits of rust and glass from a previous ghost town stare up at me trying to tell me their stories. What happened right here in this spot a hundred years ago? Was there a stable here or a saloon? Maybe it was a brothal and I am lying on my back looking up into the blue skies in a much beter situation that the girl before me.

Nevada is a cruel, harsh place to live. In this economy it is even more difficult than before. It takes a certain type of person to want to live far enough away from everyone else that you'd have to fart through a bull horn to get heard. There is no Macy's near my house. My town has a vet, a grocery store, a 7-11 and, oddly, 2 Chinese restaurants and three Mexican. We recently got a Walmart and a Lowe's...so we're really big time now. It could have stayed even smaller as far as I'm concerned. In a way it has. A lot of the hundreds of new homes that were built here either got damaged in the flood or they have been foreclosed on and left by the owners. Hundreds of empty houses in the once brilliant little new boomtown that started to get pretty snotty and high on it self.

Grandma always said there was always someone better/bigger than yourself. My town is learning to humble the hard way...not necessarily a bad lesson as far as myself and a lot of old times are concerned.

So we drive out to the desert, my husband and I. A few buckets, pick axes and picnic basket is in the car along with the sunscreen and bug repellant. Other than paying for the gas, we amuse ourselves with pieces of rock and the past for the price of investing our time. Dust deveils come to peek in every so often and stir things up, along with the occasional horney toad. Good company as the light begins to grow soft and pinky purple.